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SelfDestructIn5_4
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Name: ♥.LORELI. ♥
Country: United States
State: Iowa
Metro: Quad Cities
Gender: Female
Interests: Place a crown of roses on my head to mask the face of imperfection
Mirror, instead, a "lovely" image in its place
Sweep your words under the door so as to fill the room that holds me captive
Bring with it the light that surrounds your every action
Sew shut these infant eyes
Blockade these foreign ears
Suffocating in all of my senses, I am molded
As the beauty of the lyre can still be heard.”
Expertise: Being a fatty mcfat fat!!!
Occupation: Artist
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  BellaZen1
Member Since:
3/30/2006
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| [[6:08am]]
So, obviously, I haven't slept. So since I have a really messed up schedule right now, things will be confusing post wise a few times a week. I stay up all night when Mike has to work.
So lets get started.
Since about 830pm last night, I've had 4 Zantrex pills. I've also had, two cups of coffee, awaiting a fresh pot right now. my outtake will be the same as yesterday, I have been drinking more water than I did yesterday[not sure how that is quite possible but I think I already have]. also fiber tablets and some tea. I'm not sure how much I think I'll actually lose this week, but I am truly hoping to hit my next goal [133] by this afternoon. However I did mention a few hours ago that I wouldn't weigh myself until tomorrow. I'm a little neurotic, so lets see how that goes.
My original goal for this week was 128lbs by Tuesday. Now, I am smarter than to think that I will actually make that goal, so I am very frustrated. BUT I will try to get as close to that number by then as possible. I think I may take Monday off from my insane routine, to let myself recuperate. I don't know what I will weigh by the end of this week. I think I may be able to hit 128lbs by then, maybe even lower. But I do know that I have 20lbs to go until I hit my goal weight.
INTAKE::
2 cups of coffee
protein bar 180cals
waterwaterwaterwaterwaterwaterwater
OUTTAKE[plan]::
pilates/power yoga 20min
namaste[power] yoga 20min
cardio bootcamp 40min
bodies in motion 20min
total body sculpt 20min
NO
UPDATE::
I had to quit in the middle of the power yoga because I was going to pass out. I needed to get to sleep, but I had the alarm set for 1130am so I could do the rest.
However, I was just awaken by an urgent phone call from my baby sister(16). Long story short, my Mom will be home in a few hours, and will physically harm my sister. She wants to go to the police station and begged me to cover for her. Needless to say, I'm not thinking about working out right now.
However, because I'm crazy, it stressed me enough to weigh myself because the result wouldn't effect me too much. which is true, kinda sucky. I'm 133.5! yay. but I don't really care right now. whatev. I'm so worried.
NO more updates
today:
family emergency;
went to the
police station
 
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| Well I'm back down to 135.5 (sarcastic yippee**) At least I"m making headway. I did a ton of Cardio yesterday and I've found pills. Herbal fat loss pills (six a day) and green tea extract pills (think I took four) I made homemade Chicago pizza last night. I did eat most of a piece, luckily I didn't drain the tomato sauce ( not on purpose) so it was fairly easy to purge considering all the water I had in my stomach.Don't think I"m going to even eat today.
Now I just need to get something off my chest because well, I don't have anyone to really talk to about it.
I was dating this guy named Alex from November of 2006 Until about 7 or 8 months ago. I fell for him quikly and about a year later, we moved in with eachother. Long story short. We didn't belong together. There was constant cheating, abuse (emotional and physical) and just blatent disregard for the fact that I would have done anything for him. But we were great friends. I could talk to him about wild and crazy things, we were the only people we knew who would try to figure out ridiculous scenerios(like zombie invasions), and the only one's who got chatty while being high. Things were amazing when they were good, and devestating when the were bad.
About a year and half ago, I met my now fiance. We pretty much hit it off right when we met. Laughing drinkin having a good time. after Alex and I broke up, Mike and I started hanging out and eventually fell for eachother. Pretty quickly, we started dating then a month(yes fast) later we were engaged. I love him beyond all belief and I know that. We are perfect for eachother and I know God made this happen for a reason.
But then why do I dream about Alex every night? Why do I still want him to hold me and want to sleep in my old bed? Why is it that I long to be back in that empty exsistence we had? I need help. All this is making me so confused and wanting to cry.
I wish it would all stop. Yet there is not a day that I don't think of him, or wish I could see him.
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